Young Jewish person posts something really quite clever online
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — Local Jewish person Paul Weinbach, 17, posted a very clever something on the Internet late Monday evening that all his relatives are talking about.
The something, which was made by Weinbach and his two of his friends, was “such a riot,” according to his grandmother Doris Blaustein, that she posted it on her own Facebook page, where it’s “getting quite a response.”
“That Pauly is really quite special, you know,” Blaustein said. “Did I tell you about the speech he gave at his bar mitzvah?”
While his grandmother’s post amassed 72 likes, Weinbach’s got only 30. Still, he was “pretty satisfied.”
“Facebook can be harsh,” he said. “You can’t really know what’s gonna get popular and what’s not. I’ve worked really hard to get this priority placement on people’s news feeds, and I’m just glad that some of my friends appreciated it. I did all I could; I tried my best.”
His mother, Toris Weinbach, was content but “not overjoyed.”
“Could’ve been better,” she commented on his link, in a move Weinbach referred to as a “mom-bomb,” which he says may have deterred some friends from liking the post.
Unshaken, however, Weinbach plans on producing more very clever posts.
“I like the way it feels to be liked, to be accepted,” he said. “The girl I like liked it, which, really, is all I could really hope for. Now I’m gonna do a bunch more posts that are very similar to this one.”
Since Monday, he has established three online magazines dedicated to very clever posts, and he plans on founding another by the end of the week.
Supporters,
As you well know, the College of Cardinals did not select me as its next pope. Believe me, this announcement came as much of a shock to me as it did you. It has been a true joy to have all your support; it means the world to me, really.
With that said, I must admit that, in my despair, I have rather swiftly lost all hope in Catholicism, Christianity, and, in fact, God himself. I will thus be resigning from all religious duty.
There is, however, a silver lining. Now that I am free from ecclesiastic responsibility, I will have time to oversee The Squire — for realz. Welcome back, my friends.
Sincerely,
Danny Licht, President
See you soon
Romney: ‘I don’t care, I’m rich’
BOSTON, Mass. — After losing a rough battle for the presidency, former candidate Willard Mitt Romney announced that he doesn’t care that he lost the battle for the presidency: “I’m rich,” he said.
“I’m so rich it really just doesn’t fucking matter, all right?” the Republican told a five-year-old who said he was sorry about his loss.
In front of a crowd of thousands, Romney loudly sniffed large bags of cash, a scent he called “success.”
The crowd continued to cheer for Romney as he spoke.
“Really, I just don’t give a fuck,” he noted, not letting his trademark grin fade. “Not for a second. It’s just a fucking job, all right?”
According to a specialist, the nation will sleep soundly tonight.
A message from our sponsor
A message from our exclusive sponsor, the Shmeverly Shmills High School Council of Vampires:
Hey guys! The Winter Blood Drive is coming up — it’s really just around the corner! — and we are so hungry. We only do this once a year, so come on ’round, all healthy youngsters, to our crazy-fun Winter Blood Drive! Not totally enthused? Well, do we have some more information for you! In addition to missing class, you’ll get a free AMC MoviePass, meanwhile supporting a seriously delicious cause. And did we mention you’ll be missing class? Seriously, guys! It barely hurts, we promise! (Unless you’re a total pussy, am I right?) So come find us on the Flawn tomorrow and sign your name in our black leather book. It’ll only take a second, really! It’s a win-win deal. We do so much for you guys that it’s really about time you give back. It’s only fair. We wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t fair. To be perfectly honest, we’ve been having some trouble finding full, young bodies this harvest season, so we need all the help we can get. Please. It’ll be such fun.
In eastern states, so much rain
EAST COAST — So much rain is sweeping across the eastern coast of the United States of America tonight, sources have confirmed. “There sure is a whole bunch of rain outside,” old person Patricia Davies said. “I haven’t left my apartment in three years because there is no rain inside.” She clarified that there is, however, rain inside her shower, which she says is good rain. In addition, homeless people are reporting really cold temperatures, though Davies denied the rumor. “I feel fine,” she said.
As drop-out incentive, Romney offers Obama family slavery reparations
BOCA RATON, Fla. — In a new twist to the presidential election saga, Mitt Romney has promised to pay slavery reparations to the family of President Barack Obama, albeit conditionally.
The Republican candidate’s campaign mailed the president a letter that arrived late last week:
Governor Romney has lots of money from his time as a leader at Bane Capital. He generously offers some of his monetary wealth to the Obama family as compensation for the terrible slave-fate that took the lives of the president’s forefathers, if he were to choose to drop out of the race.
The president reportedly did not respond to the governor’s offer.
However, Romney recited the email from memory to Obama minutes before Monday night’s debate began.
Added Romney, “And if you accept within the next 20 minutes, I’ll throw in a lifetime supply of Kool-Aid and KFC.”
The president smiled.
“You can go fuck yourself,” he said while cheerfully waving to schoolchildren.
After the debate expert Jeannie Britain spoke to the governor to ask him if he was “at all taking into consideration the fact that it is literally impossible for Obama’s relatives to have been American slaves.”
“Jeannie, I’m a real person. I am not any sort of programmed machine. Write that down in your little book instead asking me all these, well, ridiculous hypotheticals,” he said. “The reality is that 100 percent America born hard-earning Obamacare professionals economy market jobs.”
In other news, the Presidential Office has issued a statement informing America that, contrary to popular belief, Joe Biden is in fact extremely boring and knows nothing about politics.
